I was asked a fascinating question last night.
A colleague and I had been talking about all the different reasons clients hire me, what kind of referrals I get, and if there was a common “issue” that had an individual pull the trigger on hiring me for the next 6-12 months as their personal Coach.
She asked, “If the majority of us have never learned what it truly takes to have a successful relationship and are in some kind of pain, why do certain individuals hire you immediately and why do others wait or walk away?”
Why indeed?
As we continued the conversation, we shared stories about where, in the past, we had both avoided taking action in our lives around relationship challenges and what the catalyst was for us eventually laying down cold hard cash for help.
My colleague said she had been a horrible dater and finally found a guy who was “better than any of the others.” This was the same mentality when she decided they ought to go ahead and get married. Needless to say she didn’t have any real solid relationship skills, the thing started to “tank” within the first 2 years and then she spent…….ready for it?.........12 more years wondering if she should “stay or go.” She didn’t know what to do different, how to fix things or whether the problem was him or actually her.
And funny thing? She had more than one opportunity to hire an experienced Coach during this time and kept avoiding the investment. She continued to spend money on everything else – her car, a gym membership, new spring clothes, travel and a zillion self-help books, but not on getting out of relationship pain.
Her reasons at the time?
*She kept telling herself she should be able to figure it out
*She would start imagining a different life, then remember how much she had hated dating
*It seemed kind of silly to financially invest in someone helping her figure out her marriage (read number 1!)
*Taking such a powerful first step would mean she had to look at herself and be ready for real change and that scared her
For me? It was a bit more black and white than that.
My early life had been filled with chaos, turmoil, confusion and unpredictability. Every decision I made was in “reaction” to something. I had been taught to “keep quiet”, “figure it out” and that getting help or support was showing the worst kind of “weakness.” This made it simple for me – shut up, assess what needs to happen to stay safe, on top of things and “right” and don’t let them see you sweat.
No intentional change can come from this kind of mindset, so it took a rock bottom and landing in therapy to open up that wonderous door. And once it was opened, I can honestly say that as a “growth minded” person, it’s been easy for me to hire whoever I need to hire in ANY area of my life so that I don’t struggle needlessly!
Are you are a “fixed mindset” kind of person or a “growth mindset” one?
Do you go through life believing for the most part that you are who you are, that your intelligence and talents are fixed and avoid challenge and failure? Or do you fall in the category of what is called a “growth mindset”, where you see yourself as a work in progress and believe in growth, change and opportunity?
How does investing in a Coaching partnership that could help you make positive, lasting change in your life feel, when you think about it? Exciting or like a waste of money?
As a relationship expert, I’m curious whether you are staying stuck, allowing your dating/loving/marriage to become stagnant, confusing and painful in any of these ways right now?
*Are you tolerating behaviors in your long term relationship that suck the life out of you regularly?
*Do you entertain on a regular basis whether you should stay or go?
*Are you losing inspiration and motivation at work, in regards to your social life or just in general as a result of the constant energy drain with your partner?
*How often do you feel a tinge of excitement around the possibility of meeting someone new, then freeze and stay stuck at the thought of dating with no real new skills?
What would it be worth to you, to not be in this same place by the end of the year? Are you at the point where you are beginning to see that the financial investment could change your whole life for the better? Do you know how many thousands of dollars you’ll end up spending on a divorce? Can you imagine how much more creative, productive and attractive you’d be to all that is trying to come into your life, if you weren’t blocking it by staying stuck?
This is not a sales pitch.
It’s a heart call.
There are a few of you out there that need to hear this and stop wasting precious time, so that you get into action now. I learned how important it was to get great support from experts in my 30’s. If I could have understood that sooner, it would have changed so many things back then. I would love to help you take what feels like a risk and catapult you into a brilliant new life where you feel ease and freedom and a sense of true inner peace.
I’m here if you’re ready. If not, I’ll hold sacred space for you until you are. This is one big beautiful life and my desire is that you enjoy every single minute of it to the fullest!
You’re worth the investment!
Big love to you all~
Barb
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